You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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