I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize