You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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