she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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