i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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