there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
