one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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