I'm drive I can fine osifer
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
