Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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