why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
