So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
