I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize