your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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