last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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