First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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