Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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