he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
