Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
