She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
