is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize