I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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