Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
