I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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