I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
