i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I know her cup size but not her name....
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
