Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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