It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
