My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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