I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
