Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
