I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
