we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
