I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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