I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i think my cat just said my name.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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