somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
