I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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