my mouth tastes like poor choices
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
