My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize