My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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