ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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