Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
