if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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