Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
