Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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