I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
