epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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