He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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