dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
