I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
