Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
