her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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