I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
