Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
