I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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