I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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