It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
