I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
