My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
