It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
