Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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