I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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