I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
